Oh god, what the fuck was today? Today was helping drunk people get home, was failing, was realizing that I need to be aware of when I am out of my god damned league.

Especially when it comes to women.

Fuck.

I woke up later than I wanted to, almost at noon. I tried to get everything done - to get all the things I needed to mail in one place, and to do my laundry. But some ridiculous person took up all three washers, then all three dryers. That set me back an hour, plus I timed things poorly, and by the time I needed to shower and shave, I knew I just had to go straight to my meeting when I was done. So I did, which means that my SXSW dvd and my money for the actresses will all be mailed on monday... that feels insufficient by a longshot.

I went to the meeting with two other guys about a short we're putting together for a business school competition. We riffed out a pretty solid and straightforward plan that seems like it will be a perfect fit.

I was right next to Samantha's dorm - the Samantha I met at the tower, the Samantha I was crazy about, the Samantha who said to me "let's be friends" and meant "just friends" - so I called her and we bought pop tarts that were also vegan, I saw some high school acquaintances, and then we went up to her dorm. The three of us - me, Samantha, her roommate - watched Samantha's short project and then as much of Life Aquatic as I could before I had to leave for dinner. Shamefully I'd never seen it. I loved the 45 minutes or so that I saw.

Then I met up with Margaret for dinner; we hadn't talked in a while. Margaret is so great, so blunt and real, no matter what else changes. We went to Veggie Heaven, then back to my dorm so I could play her rap music and burn her a mix. We talked about everything, including Donna - the Donna I fell in love with, the Donna who always kept me confused, the Donna I never told how I felt - and Margaret mentioned how hot and cold Donna could be.

Since the wrap party I was going to was in her building anyway, I walked back with her. On the way, we walked by Jane - the Jane who made out with me and then told me to forget about it, the Jane who went on to date this other guy, the Jane who somehow holds this all against me - and she didn't even acknowledge my presence. I explained to Margaret all of this, which got us on how I just want a real relationship, just to be truly with someone, not empty physicality.

Margaret's place was nice but their dog threw up and it became urgent to get out of there. Margaret understood, trying (and failing) to hold back laughter. I made my way to the wrap party at Nathan's place. When I got there it was just a few guys hanging out, just the group - Nathan, Jay, Chad, Matt and I, plus Nathan's roomie. They played video games, laughed, etcetera. A guy I think is really cool, who isn't named Lewis, was there too. We're on the road to being good friends.

Other people filtered in. Matt was hilarious, Jay was hilarious, but somehow I just wasn't funny for some reason, so I shut up pretty quick. One of the people to filter in isn't named Eileen. She's this drop-dead gorgeous actress who worked on the UFA short. All the guys on set were constantly talking about how hot she was or whatever, but I was too nervous worrying about my own upcoming project to notice. Well, I noticed, but I just had a "whatever" attitude.

We ended up forming our own conversational unit, the two of us, at this party, while everybody got high - everybody except Eileen's friend who I'll call Raymond. Raymond is a nice guy but prone to stress and substances, and he told Eileen and I that he was deathly allergic to weed smoke, which Eileen later called into question.

Now, with time to kill and nothing weighing on my mind, I was free to be entranced by Eileen, who was funny, smart, interesting, drop-dead gorgeous. We talked about all range of things, and I was actually making her laugh. I mentioned the softness of my hands and she began rubbing them, which became a humorous topic of conversation throughout the night.

She, Raymond, Patty (their friend) and Greg (a senior I think, one of UFA's officers and a great guy) decided to go to this other party, and Eileen invited me, and I knew I had to. It's just what made sense, staying near Eileen. On the way, Eileen held on to me due to the cold.

This new party was relatively fun. Music was mixed, everybody was drinking and dancing. I stuck by Eileen, we talked about various things. Raymond got fucked up out of his mind, he was just wandering around spreading mayhem and amusement. Eileen said she needed to go outside so we went out. Some guys were discussing the election. She cuddled up against me for warmth. She rubbed my hands against her face. I knew she was flirting with me but I thought, "no, I'm not sure, do nothing about it." It was just unreal. Her? Me? Fascinatingly, I ran internally through the same tired "this friendship has potential and I don't want to risk it" logic.

Raymond came outside and started telling us we were making out. He pushed our heads together which was really confusing. Then he left. After a few minutes, Eileen grabbed my hand and pulled me away. We were by another set of stairs. I still had a lingering doubt but I moved my face closer and we started kissing, which we did for a little while. We heard people coming and we stopped, and I asked if we should find a different place, and she said actually she needed to use the restroom, so we went back inside but I think she just went to get a drink. That's when I realized that she was probably slightly drunk, and I was this laughable absurd fuck for buying into it, because a girl like her must have been together with amazing guys, and how the hell can I compare with that, and what was I thinking; this is the mess I was. Greg came over and said "so?" and we had a conversation in so's and I didn't know really what to say. Eileen came back and started to get very drunk and we ignored the elephant in the room for a bit.

There was dancing, conversation, people making mistakes with each other, decent music. When Eileen and I were alone again I knew I had to say something. I said, "hey, I'm sorry about that." And she asked me what I meant. I said, "well, you know, out there..." She kept saying "I have no idea what you're talking about." For a terrible moment I thought she was so embarrassed by me that she was just going to never speak of the ordeal again. But when I said, "oh, well, okay," she kept asking me what I meant. I told her, "y'know, by the stairs." She asked if I meant stopping when people came by, and I just told her no, I was apologizing for the whole thing. She just smiled really wide and said it was fine. That was quite a relief.

Everybody got drunker while I stayed sober. Greg led a group karaoke for Semi-Charmed Life which was pretty magical. People filtered out, became sleepy drunks, wandered off to fuck. The problem was, Eileen wanted to sleep but Raymond, who needed to be walked home, needed stuff from Eileen's room. The people walking him home didn't want to wait. To solve the problem, I volunteered to walk them both to Eileen's room, and then to walk Raymond all the way back across campus. It bought Eileen some napping time. Patty came with us.

Eileen was quite drunk, holding onto me for warmth again, and I was trying to talk her through the ordeal. We finally made it back and Patty took her up to her room. Then Patty and I walked Raymond back. Raymond had fallen over somewhat frequently, plus singing and shouting poetry.

It was hard to keep them quiets, and I was new to avoiding cops around campus. Patty and I walked back and she vented about her life. I waited outside as she checked on Eileen. Then I got back to my dorm.

At some point in the night Lewis had texted me for phone numbers, and I realized right upon my return how crucial that might have been, and how shitty my neglect to text back was. That's what I feel guiltiest about.

But I also feel like a moron. The whole day was a preventative history lesson - a lesson of girls with whom I tried and failed, a lesson to just fly solo. I went and kissed the most gorgeous girl I've ever met, and now, god damn me, I have feelings for her.

I don't think I've ever watched the Austin sunrise from my dorm window before.

I don't know what she'll feel like in the morning. I think she'll see me in her mind's eye and how thin and weedy and gross I am and realize she made such a mistake kissing me, and she'll not want to speak to me again, and that will be the end of it.

But I'm very much entitled to hope - well, at least pretend for now - that she wants to still be friends with me after all this.

So here's to blind hope and cold walks.

But at least I have things to say.

Two weeks ago I began my crazy period of film work. I was shooting the faux-slasher in a garage, waking up at seven A.M. to get there on time, and it went incredibly well as indie sets go. I organized it all well and the actors and actresses commented on how efficient it all was. I wish I had gotten more out of them performance-wise, though.

One night, while ferrying an essay to a friend, a religious man asked if I had seen the light of Jesus or something like that, and I said I was an atheist, and he looked heartbroken and told me he'd pray for me. I told him, "thank you."

The sunday night before my production began, I was taking set stills for the University Filmmaker's Alliance project, since I'm historian. It was fun but I felt a little isolated, the one guy not really contributing. Chad and I got back to his dorm at two or so in the morning; I took a ten minute nap in the lounge recliner, and then we watched telemundo action thrillers while drunk people filtered in behind us. We knew that if we went to sleep we wouldn't wake up in time for my project, so we just stayed awake by going to Kerby Lane.

The next three days were effectively one long day, with sleep scattered about at random. Everything felt oddly positive and successful, no crises. And my roommate suddenly began getting along with me. Then everybody flooded off campus for thanksgiving and I was left alone to bask in my successes. Very, very alone. Jester was a ghost town without the menace, like an oversided version of Tom Cruise's house in Risky Business before plot happens.

I did make it to Goodwill but their sweaters weren't as exceptional as usual, so I got two long sleeved shirts and a sweater that says "P'ville Basketball", which I was never part of. I also have the hoodie we bought for the movie. It's incredibly warm.

Thanksgiving was vegan pumpkin pie from Wheatsville, my first ever Tofurkey, and the Macy's Day Parade in the vacant television room. I also called my father, then my mother, then my aunts and cousins in Kansas, who were pleasantly surprised and passed the phone around to talk to me. And lest we forget a new tradition: my DVD of Christmas on Mars.

The next day I got a substantial haircut and I shaved. The before pictures suddenly looked weird to me, like somebody drew all over a picture of me in crayon. I was going to go see Let the Right One In at the drafthouse on south lamar - I took the bus out there and everything - and all that wasn't full was Twilight. So instead I went to the Ritz, where they did Jiggy Crunk, the 90s pop rap singalong. It was wildly entertaining.

Throughout all this, even with some extra money my father gave me, I was just about broke, spending my last bits of money. It was spooky but a great lesson to learn.

People filtered back in. Ernest had broken up with Judy. It stunned me but Ernest didn't want to talk about it. Things hit a sort of equilibrium, which meant grade stress, and now money stress as well. But the stresses faded, I got a paycheck, and this week breezed by.

Too much breeze, actually; it's ridiculously cold here in Austin. For me, anyway. And last night, when the film guys and I took a bus to our friend's goodbye party because they were too high and drunk to drive, we had to wait for a bus that had already arbitrarily ignored us. It was frigid and awful but made me appreciate warmth.

People have reacted well to the mix. And it's time for my relaxing break. All in all, life is really good right now.

A semester... Such an odd feeling I get thinking about it, I'm not sure, it's just odd. No metaphors are working, no figures of speech, just recollection of projects and moments, always so much so fast.

So here's to projects.

I guess it's time for something approximating a proper post to this blog.

I won't try and write about everything that has happened because way too much has gone down to summarize it all. I'll just talk about this week, and things will either become evident or weren't crucial, I suppose.

It was a busy week because it's all been building up to filming next week, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. So I've been juggling classes a bit. I skipped on two occasions: on Monday because I could hardly walk so I napped through RTF 305. I was so exhausted that it made sense to just nap instead of class. Then on tuesday I woke up too late for my Journalism and Democracy class, because I accidentally set my alarm for the PM instead of AM. Other then that, it's just been a blur of assignments and quizzes and, at this late stage, precious little meaningful information.

There's a sixteen year old kid who added me on Myspace. She told me she liked me and I had to explain to her that the age difference was there and we could never be more than friends. It deeply affected me because I've always deeply hated the college guys who prey on high school girls, so the whole ordeal just freaked me out. I hate that I still have to use Myspace at all, but it's all Natalie uses.

I was talking to Mars about housing and he recommended a co-op, which got me thinking about what I really want is my own place to move into, and my dad said if I want to stay here in Austin (which I do) he would help me finance a condo. That is incredibly exciting. I want one with two bedrooms, so I can let people from out of town visit me.

Is it infidelity to talk about your new home whilst in an old one?

I'm missing Jaclyn's Thanksgiving party because I don't want to go home 'til the Holiday season. It hurts a little but it's what makes sense to me... I need the clean break.

Today was interesting. I woke up a little late so my dad's schedule was a bit messed up, because he was dropping off some equipment. It was great to see him; first time since school started. He was wearing his running clothes. He like the documentary I made, a lot actually. Then I went to Veggie Heaven with my sister, my mom, and her husband. After that they came here and they all watched the documentary and talked about it. We also listened to hip-hop and had a mini-debate but my sister felt ganged up on, I could tell, and I felt bad about that.

Then I typed up script revisions and shot schedules for the readthrough, which went really well and was pleasantly cold in that winter way. Chad, my PA on this project and an all-around great guy, hung out with me in my dorm for a while. Then we went to Kerby Lane. Afterwards, Matt drove us both to see My Name is Bruce, which proves... that Bruce Campbell makes really bad movies? It doesn't try to hide that it sucks. But its self-awareness doesn't make it any better. Oh well, to co-opt Matt's words, I mined some enjoyment out of it.

My side of the room is a mess and my hair is itchy. I can't wait for my hairmageddon next weekend.

So here's to blurs! And park lives.

Today Natalie sent me a message and asked me what I was thinking about. My answer was pretty comprehensive.

"I am thinking about how excited I am for this film project. I am thinking about how some of the people in University Filmmaker's Alliance really hate me and I wish I knew why. I am thinking about this one really cool girl I met who keeps canceling our plans. I'm thinking about how excited I am to slow things down over winter break. I'm thinking about how much I want to succeed at film. I'm thinking about people I miss and days I half-wish I could relive. I'm thinking about how much I want to be a good person. I'm thinking about how alone I feel sometimes. I'm thinking about this dream I had last night where I killed a person and the rest of the dream was regret and sadness, and how I woke up feeling really exhausted. I'm thinking about all the people I've met here who've gotten bored with me and stopped talking to me. I'm thinking about buying more sweaters for this cold spell we're going through. I'm thinking about the future, for a change."

So here's to the future, and to change.

I guess the truth is that when I keep telling people how great I'm doing, it's a lie. But what am I supposed to say when a friend or relative living far away asks about college? They don't want a summary of my emotions, they just want a quick confirmation I'm not dead/dying.

But I'm very, very lonely here. I thought I was good at meeting people but the harder you try, the more the other person will inevitably want to push you away, so I just haven't been trying as hard anymore. Girls think I'm just hitting on them, and I'm not cool enough for any of the guys here. People look at me like I'm a disease.

So I'm putting a lot into this short film project, this subversion of slasher movies, but that feels more like an elaborate string of heartbreaks and twitchy nerves. I held an audition today and even though seven or eight actresses expressed interest, one person came. And she was good, I mean, she fits the part, but I was so excited to be holding an audition for something and it was a catastrophic mediocrity.

Bottom line, I'm not important to people like I used to be. My old friends have moved on, even the ones I thought would always care, like Edie, Natalie, and Margaret. Even Ernest spends most of his time away from me. He puts his headphones on, the ones he labeled "do not disturb" so I'd stop asking to talk to him. Now and then, when he's had a good day, he'll joke with me like we used to, and damn me, I play along even though I'm furious that he's abandoned me this way. He hasn't asked me a single thing about my life in months. And all the friends I made here at first have gotten bored with me and moved on. Day to day, I hardly talk to anybody, and if I do it's just small talk.

God, I'm so lonely.

And I always used to talk about how it was important to experience both the highs and the lows, but now that I'm in such a low it doesn't feel like I'm learning a damn thing, it just feels empty.

And I always used to talk about living in the present, but after months of doing that I can honestly report that ignoring the future means condemning yourself to treading water.

And I always used to talk about being independent and free of people but that just isn't working. I need friends, a group of people I can really let my guard down around, people I'll talk to more than once a week. People who will really give a damn, and who will let me give a damn about them.

The dumbest thing is that I have faith that this part will end, that if I just keep looking, I will eventually find the right people, and all of this will be worth it just because it led to finding them.

But everything is just stress and loneliness these days. So here's to that.

EDIT: I needed to get this all out of my system, but it's important to me that everybody reading this knows that I'm going to be just fine.

"I remember when I heard that Heath Ledger died. I was in a car after school, driving by a nice neighborhood, and the news was so unbelievable that it was surreal. It wasn't that I watched a lot of Heath Ledger movies or anything, but he represented more to me, he was youth. And for youth to die, it just doesn't make sense.

So when I found out about you, it was the same feeling. We didn't hang out, really, we'd just had a class and knew each other enough to say hello in the halls. But even the people you wouldn't think you rely on, they form this pillar that holds everything up, some world where things make sense. You were the guy I saw laughing with friends, you were the guy who always had time to ask me what was up, and without me even knowing it, you were part of the way I saw things.

And this just doesn't make sense to me.

I wish, at moments like these, that I believed in religion, because I know what you deserve, and it's more than this world had to offer you. And I hope, right now, that I'm wrong, and you are up there chuckling at me and my cynicism.

I'm not sure who's going to read this, if it's family or friends, or if it will just stay unread in your inbox. I couldn't write this on the group or the wall, I didn't want to make this a display. I just wanted to tell you all this, somehow."


I'll post more about my life soon. This was urgent.

Now I've got a whole week to tell of. I don't even know where to start - I guess I'll just cover some major changes.

I am making an anti-slasher short on VHS. It's basically a short film that follows the loosest slasher-film model but completely subverts the genre on issues of fate, gender, and other fundamental values. I am very, very excited about this. I've needed to create something of my own for a long time now.

That does mean, aside from related Giallo, a shitload of slashers. (And please try saying that five times fast.) Horror movies really get under my skin so I've always avoided slashers, but if I'm going to subvert them I need to have seen more than two or three.

Suspiria: The colors are beautiful and the fear is palpable. This movie is just pulled off really well, although some of the acting... it leaves something to be desired. But it's all just Argento set pieces, really, and who can argue with that? And the gender issues, well, basically everybody is a girl, it's more senseless than anything.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: I'm quite drawn to the independent, grainy soul of the film. It's a good movie that relies on how disturbing the images are, although the sexual overtones in the scenes with Grandpa really kind of piss me off about as much as they freak me out. Oh, the chase scene at night with Leatherface is a drawn out failure.

Black Christmas: God, what a load of shit. I could go into what a sexist and slanted world view this movie proposes, but what's the point when nobody would ever want to sit through the first ten minutes? "Original" my ass. The general jist - guy kills helpless women - was already done with Twitch of the Death Nerve, and the perspective shot? C'mon, that's grasping at straws.

Sleepaway Camp: The final moment, those final shots, that bit is brilliant and chilling. The rest is a poorly acted, homophobic, exploitative mess of a film. The phrase "not worth it" comes to mind.

Halloween: There's something kind of simple and direct about this film. It reduces the antagonist to a very straightforward evil without desperately trying to "humanize" him like so many other slashers, and it makes a compelling case for a cosmic, unstoppable evil - but that's exactly what I'm trying to subvert.

Anyway. I've got a lot more to see but I've been getting all those from the Audio/Visual at the FAC on campus, and they have a limited selection, so I am going to look elsewhere and keep going. I need to get an almost unconscious grasp of the genre if I'm going to criticize it pointedly. I guess it's kind of backwards that I'd want to subvert it before getting to know it, but I lucked out because the more I know it, the more I want to appropriate these techniques and get rid of the value systems.

It's finally autumnal here in Austin which means sweaters and cool air and happiness. I've always been an autumn person. I went out to the pharmacy the other morning and it was cold around ten, which was the best turn of events in months. Gray skies, chilly air, Fleet Foxes on my CD player, I don't know how it's supposed to get better.

On the not-as-good-side, I've got cold sores and you can imagine how terrified I am, germophobia-wise, but I think I'm handling it pretty well. And they're barely visible; nobody else has noticed yet and it's been almost a week.

Also on the topic of germophobia, a homeless man gave me a stolen CD and I put it in my bag and later freaked out because it was in my hat and it could have been filthy, but I thought "fuck you germophobia" and wore the hat anyway. I like to think that Dr. John would have been proud. That same day I saw a homeless man with a dog and I felt really moved and gave him $25. I guess that was really dumb because with movie projects I've been getting a tighter and tighter budget, but oh well.

Classes are mostly easy. We've been watching The Edukators in german and I dig it so far, although I'm not sure I like how thinly spread the plot is getting. The settings get beautiful though. Journalism continues to push me furthest and I am analyzing the NYT's coverage of Iran very intensively, which is yielding progressively weirder results pointing to bizarre trends, like how it's almost always most important to establish that the U.S. is not acting alone... kind of fallacious. And I wrote a scathing essay about All in the Family for RTF but the prompt wanted a less emotional one so I pared it down but now it's just an in-the-middle abomination... not enough examples.

I like that I'm getting to know the checkout girl at Waterloo. She's really cute.

My new CD player... I'm getting to know it. I will learn to adapt.

So here's to gruesome imagery! And layers of truth.

WOW. What a fucking weekend.

Saturday, I got up reasonably early, and my plan - to get my sorrows out the previous night and be happy the next day - was a surprise success. I woke up feeling pretty good about everything. I toyed with listening to Yo La Tengo on my (first in WEEKS) Whole Foods/Waterloo trip but I settled on the Rumble Strips since I was seeing them at the Parish that night. It was the perfect soundtrack - streetlights matched my pace and the weather was great. It was around three and everybody was cheering for UT's victory over OU. I felt like I owned the city. Except then the bank was closed and some man I refused a handshake to told me "someday, somebody is just gonna shoot you."

I helped a foreign woman (in town for a conference) find 6th street (and broke her five into ones for ease of fare) and met some high school acquaintances on the bus. They were going to Whole Foods too, but I get off early and walk, so we bid each other adieu. My CD player had some troubles as early as track six, even though this had been the last album it could get through. At Waterloo I actually had a conversation with the cute girl that always rings up my CDs; it was about my dying CD player. My adamant refusal to switch to MP3 kind of confused her, I think.

I had little cash for whole foods due to the bank thing, but the thriftiness made me a good shopper, I think. I waited for, and caught, the Exposition, but on our way through a neighborhood like my earliest one (in autumn no less!) listening to my CD player trying to play Department of Eagles, we went by a pumpkin patch, and when somebody got off at the next stop I knew it was a sign. So I got off the bus and admired the pumpkins, but from a ways away because there was a wedding rehearsal. A sad family had to leave pumpkinless. I am going to buy a pumpkin there next week, I think.

I caught the bus back and this time those same high school folks were there. It was quite coincidental. I got off the bus and my CD player wouldn't even start my new Dear Science and I realized it was dead for final. I sang into the headphones a little, but when I was out of earshot. I just wanted to give back? I am an insane loser.

Donna and Austin visited me, and I think they are dating now, which makes me happy - Austin has had a thing for Donna since before I even met Donna. They gave me a ride to 7-11 for a sharpie and water, and then they gave me a ride to sixth street.

There was only the sparsest of crowds when I got to the Parish. I sat on the side-bench near the front. The opener, Birdmonster, was fun and talented. I rocked out, and when I met the guitarist, he said I reassured him by rocking out. I met the drummer a little bit. Then Rumble Strips came on and kicked ass. They're all talented, and their voice, Charlie, is so fucking good. After the show, in addition to getting let back in by the nice staff (FAVORITE venue) and hanging out more with Birdmonster's drummer (which was a little awkward but mostly okay, I hope I didn't come off as a douchebag) I met the Rumble Strips, and I told them the story of their CD and my CD player, and they all signed the Girls and Weather case, making it out to my dead CD player. It gave me so much joy.

I got home and stayed up oddly late - 4 AM - and then slept through my alarm and woke up at 2 PM, which stunned me. I got laundry done and wrote before stopping by the Audio Visual Library. I'll need to get Boogie Nights from blockbuster. Anyway, I shipped off to go see the Roots. I got ahold of Ernest and things were fine and made me happy.

The show at La Zona Rosa was super rad. Estelle was so damn powerful, and she told funny stories about asshole ex boyfriends. Gym Class Heroes were great - and surprisingly hilarious! They covered When Doves Cry and their intro was hysterical. And they were political in a cool way. They also got everybody to hug people they had never met all at once, and since it really worked the frontman was moved. Then the Roots tore it up. I had trouble getting into it at first because I couldn't make out the words and from my spot, I couldn't see the guitarist, my favorite member. But I got closer and they did rad covers and had interesting antics and it was great. At one point, while playing the fret board, the guitarist lifted the guitar in the air, eyes rolling back in his head in some sort of bizarre guitar-worship. That was amazing. Also, some random girl grabbed me and blew smoke into my mouth and made me feel uncomfortable.

After the show, I went to wait for the night owl, talking to my sister on the phone while I waited... and it still never came. These other two guys were there, waiting, and I called capmetro with no luck and a shitty machine. One of the two guys - I'll call him Ricky - asked to borrow my phone, and after he assured me he had no cold (and laughed) I let him borrow it. He called his stepmom for a ride. He mentioned he lived up north, and when I asked him if she could take me partway home, he said that since I let him borrow the phone, he would ask her to.

We talked a bit. It was his 38th birthday. He wanted to leave texas but his license was suspended and he'd already done time for driving with it suspended. He mentioned wanting to just get home and smoke weed. We shared stories about sleeptalking - my roommate and his girlfriend. Some guy on a bike gave us DVDs of conspiracy theory documentaries. Ricky's friend only spoke spanish, and Ricky new just a little, so the language barrier was in full effect - his friend waited with us for a while and then randomly walked off. Then Ricky's mom came and she was nice enough to take me to the drag, 21st, so it was quite a short walk.

I repeat: what a fucking weekend.

So here's to Birdmonster, the Rumble Strips, Estelle, Gym Class Heroes, and the Roots! And to Ricky, his friend, and his stepmother.

Today was the sort of day that a journal is made for.

The morning was amazing. To save time, this was my daily message to Natalie around noon:

My boss was out sick. So it was just the front desk guy and the computer guy. They asked me to take some packages across campus as though that were a hassle but I was bundled up in a Goodwill flannel shirt and a longsleeve ironed-on t-shirt, and it's AUTUMN on COLLEGE CAMPUS (brownleavesontreesandchillyair) so it was the greatest morning. The package had to be delivered to this guy in a building I'd never heard of, which was a converted run-down apartment complex. The guy who got the package was so happy to get it, and outside there was this cat but when I petted him/her with a letter envelope, unlike stingy rude cats, he/she was very affectionate. And I was proud of myself getting past my germophobia to be around the cat.

I'm still not as hardcore as the squirrel dude. There's this guy, a student I'm pretty sure, who squirrels love; they sit on his lap and he feeds them. He's so cool.

Anyway, I got back and the front desk guy got me started on the big project, which is copying/scanning all the old documents to make our departmental move easier. He showed me some cool features in the building and I didn't know if I liked him before but today he was so great, and when it came up that I was vegan he told me about all these vegan bakeries in the area. SUPER rad guy. And the files... OH MAN!

First of all, there are some books in our storage that were published in 1908!!! WOAH!!! But the files I am working on are graduate student files from the 60s and 70s and they're so fucking interesting. I've gone through five files and already there has been death, sex, and tragedy. But they're all super-confidential... so I had to write down enough details to carry on personal research. I know, bad dangerous, but they're so incredibly interesting. And writing down those files was the first time I've felt paranoid in a long time, which made me realize - PERFECT FIRST FEATURE! So I am writing a script for my first feature film about the paranoid experiences of a college student scanning confidential documents and becoming obsessed with some plot he starts suspecting.

An autumn walk, an adorable cat, a newly realized friendship, interesting stories and the revelation of my first feature film: ALL IN JUST OVER FOUR HOURS.



Of course, the day changed. I thought I was jokingly upsetting Ernest by criticizing his horse painting but he evidently took it very personally. I got work done on the movie, but things felt odd with Ernest being upset. I apologized later but I know it wasn't really enough.

I hung out with Samantha and her roommate. We went to a restaurant and I gave a homeless man a twenty (it was all I had) and he hugged me which scared me but made me happy too, and (after I changed) we took the bus to the halloween store and H.E.B. Samantha fluctuated from seeming annoyed to me, to being bored with me, to enjoying my presence, to thinking I was great. Oscillating all night. Meanwhile I worked out the issue of whether I still had feelings for Natalie and realized I just missed that time in my life - orange tortillas and half price books with german warpaint, or sitting on her bed watching movies. But I needed to live this time, and I did, and I was happy to be around Samantha.

Back at her dorm I told her about my senior year - mentioning how I chose friendship with Natalie because I was her confidante - and she told me about hers, which was very hard and very sad. On the way to my dorm, she said the phrase, "let's be friends," and with all the context, I knew right then she meant "let's just be friends."

Tomorrow that will make me happy, to have such a good friend. Tonight is my time to be hurt and confused.

Ernest is over at Margaret's; I texted him about it but I knew, despite hopes, that things are too rocky for him to even consider texting me back. I talked to a girl I met at ACL; she is only 16 and, like all high schoolers, seems desperate to prove to me that she is mature. I get nervous because I hate those college guys who flirt with high school girls - that's just not right - so I always am very careful to be very clearly off flirting terms, like on the other side of the planet from those terms.

So I've just been listening to music and coping. I did call my dad, just to talk. I am mature enough now to miss him. God, is this growing up an illusion, or am I really turning into an adult? For once, for a change, I really hope it's the latter.

Donna is visiting this weekend. Autumn is why I loved her. Feelings are so mixed up. I am going to be reserved and avoid doing damage.

I used to be so good at this sleep deprivation thing, man. I could stay up until four and wake up at six. Right now my eyelids are getting heavy and it's not even two AM yet.

So here's to failing! And to life's myriad imperfections.

Things are so busy.

This week was mostly good. On monday I skipped everything but my discussion group in order to rest up and kick my cold's ass. And I think it pretty much worked. On tuesday I attended things again and all the ibuprofen made it possible. I went to Wheatsville for the first time for groceries; the place is close and has a good vibe. On wednesday I even went to work, and my boss was very nice about my absence. I got a lot of work done for the germanic studies department.

Wednesday, yesterday, was great. I will copy a message I sent to Natalie:

"I set 2234904030 alarms for the morning, fearing I wouldn't wake up in time for work, and the first one got me on my feet. I had no soymilk so for breakfast I had cereal with orange juice as the liquid. It was unexpectedly tasty.

Work was fine. I had a lot of things to do, but also an hour or so of free time that I used to check the news, check some music reviews, that sort of thing. I kind of wish I got all my news on a newspaper and sat in a big recliner every morning with a dog who brought it in to me, but then I'd be germophobic about the dog spit and plus what a waste of paper!

I had a quick break after work and before class. I listened to 99 Problems because it was stuck in my head, and I ended up going from that to lots of Wu Tang. Then we had a guest lecturer for RTF, the one who actually talks about film theory and technique. It inspired me on how to end the short I plan to shoot ON FILM next semester.

Then I had German. I can never tell if the teacher likes me. I think he's badass, he's so quirky and off the wall. What a rad man.

After that, I went to Veggie Heaven with [Margaret], which was a delight, and then I took the bus to Goodwill/Halfprice. I bought some autumn clothes at goodwill. In halfprice, I browsed the rare books section but I had no idea what I was looking at, really, so I just bought a Yo La Tengo compact disc.

The girl I have feelings for [this is Samantha] texted me out of the blue, which made me very happy, and made me not mind waiting 2402843 years for the bus.

On the way back, these two people got onboard, and race is important in this description: across me there was already this black man, and the people who got on were a white woman and a hispanic man, who were together evidently. The woman was clearly on some sort of meth. So she said something like "I'm trippin' but I'm not drunk" and the black man laughed really loud, and she said, "the crack-smoker thinks something was funny?" and it was very racist, and the black man looked around and said like, "what? what did that trash say?" and the hispanic man was like "she's not right in the head, I'm sorry" and the black man was like, "you and I are cool, amigo." It was just a very racially charged moment, it caught me by surprise, especially since I was right up there. The man to my right was evidently addicted to narcotics because he kept rubbing his inner elbow and he had reaaaally long nails, which people use for cocaine and whatnot. Oh, the bus!

Now I am home and having a second dinner."

Today was quite nice. My schedule was normal. I dozed off right at the end of Journalism/Democracy and I think that disappointed the professor. Which made me feel terrible actually, because that class opens my eyes to the nature of journalism and how it is affected by the establishment, plus politics in general... the rest of the morning was great though, because it was cool and autumn and I listened to Yo La Tengo on my dying CD player while I bundled up in a Goodwill flannel overshirt and a long-sleeve t-shirt underneath. And goodwill slacks! Clothes are so reasonably priced there. And trees on campus had brown autumn leaves, at last.

The rest of the day was nice. I told Fyodor the prom story but I think I just annoyed her. The fun part was Samantha and I (and her friend) went to the Blanton's "mix" party, and we looked at art. And I just hung out with Samantha and a thousand times over remembered that she is the one. She... challenges me. I love that. I think I could really be in love with her someday, and I want to be with her. I will ask her out soon, for real.

Also, Austin was a clothes model! I ran up and said hello and we hugged. I saw another person from high school too... how odd. Anyway, Samantha and her friend and I all went back to Jester, and her friend said goodbye - she was nice - and Samantha and I went back to my dorm and watched Hertzfeldt and Hard Day's Night, and I loved how sleepy she got and I walked her home and we had a long hug and she looked really serene when I said goodnight.

Things are good right now, I think.

I saw Blow-Up. It was kind of sexist, but other than that, although it was more mod-period-piece than paranoid thriller, I really dug it.

I'm going to make a list of friends I have here in Austin, to prepare for Christmas gifts, which are far away but always good to prepare for.

I think this Christmas I'm going to miss waiting outside the bank for my father and sister while I listen to the mix Margaret and Natalie burned to cheer me up, and just feeling great about everything, then voxtrot in the pine tree shop.

I think tomorrow, the guy who runs the desk at work is going to be gone most of the day. That means tomorrow is a desk day. Yes.

So here's to that bank! And to ibuprofen and mango juice.

because I really need the sleep.

Eliot and I were wrong for each other. Really, really wrong. She just wanted benefits and I just wanted a relationship. I was afraid that I couldn't break it off but something germophobic came up and made it easy and best of all I think we're still friends. Meanwhile, being with somebody who is the complete opposite of Samantha made me realize what I need and want: SAMANTHA.

We hung out on friday. It was rad. We played vidya games. We also had our first hug. Directly following that I got a sore throat, and then I had to go work on the movie. Friday and saturday, 9pm-3am I was working on this thing. It turned out super fucking rad.

Jesus christ, how often do I say rad lately?

But being sick and all, I slept until 2pm on both saturday and sunday and just bumbled aimlessly through both days, trying to rest. I miss my whole foods trips. A lot. I did see Following, and it's good but not great which makes me wonder how Nolan went straight from Following to Memento. Maybe it's just the comparison skewing my perception, or my current illness.

I am reading the Schreber case, specifically his memoir, and it's what my first feature is going to be about.

Career: solidified. Girl I have feelings for: definite. Health: ???LOLWUT

Oh, and I shaved my beard by mistake. Tip: When you say to yourself, "I'm going to trim with these sewing scissors," you are going to do more than trim. But now my 'stache is fly.

So here's to 'staches and Samantha!

Jesus fucking christ, this has been the wildest week of my life.

I really can't go through it all chronologically, so I will just have to go by grouping.

I developed strong feelings for Samantha. Then I met several other girls and got very confused. One I'll call Fyodor, which is a guy's name but she's this badass russian girl. I use badass sincerely; she's very blunt and kinda... streetwise? Then there's a girl who isn't named Eliot. Eliot is great; she's really funny and great with sarcasm, not to mention incredibly attractive. So Ernest and I talked and I thought Samantha was the one but then I realized that I just wanted her to be Donna, which is terrible and points me in another direction.

That direction is Eliot. We'd already been on an impromptu date last week, and I resolved to ask her on a second date tonight, just to test the waters. We went to her dorm and hung out and then outside, I asked her on the date, and she said yes, and she kind of ruffled my hair and we joked about kissing for a moment and then suddenly we were making out, and then we realized we were in public so we looked for a good place. We settled on the Episcopal Church's Daycare area, which was empty and secluded, and we made out for quite a while. She told me she didn't want a relationship. (This later amused Ernest: "What the fuck is wrong with you, Paul? These girls all just want to fuck you, but not date you!") But we spent a while just staring into each other's eyes, which I really felt meant something. She is going to come "hang out" at the dorm while Ernest is out.

Ernest told me to give serious thought to the issue of sex this weekend and I know this isn't time so he just told me to make sure and stick to that. He's the best goddamn roomie ever.

So, ACL happened. Friday after work I felt a little queasy, which made me nervous, but once I got through the lines and onto the shuttles, that all melted. This was my first time at ACL and I made a few mistakes. I know now that I need to camp out for proximity rather than see a lot of shows from too far away to be enjoyable. But I saw:

Del: He was pretty rad. He played some new, some old. Naturally he played Clint Eastwood, and everybody went wild for the hygiene song we didn't realize was his.

Gogol Bordello: Rad but I was too far to have fun. My sister touched Hutz's face.

David Byrne: I wisely camped out for this one and it was well worth it. Fucking fantastic.

Mars Volta: Left early to beat the crowds. From what I heard, I got pretty much the full experience.

I got home pretty easily and, after watching Videodrome which fucked my mind, I crashed. The next morning I took my time getting there.

Man Man: Too nervous about camping for Conor to truly enjoy.

Erykah Badu: I am in love with her now. Plain and simple. All the Conor fans thought her backup singer was her; it was pretty funny.

Conor: YES. A nearby sex-dancer pissed me off, but oh well.

Then Edie, the original Edie, appeared, and we talked as we listened vaguely to shows. We skipped which may be why she lost her Ray Bans, so I wanted to pay for replacements but she wouldn't let me. We met up with everybody at Adam's car, and I rode in the bed. I made everybody laugh. I felt great about life. Then Fyodor requested a walk to a party and we ended up just walking and talking until two. The next day, I was just there to camp for one act:

The Kills: Rad and sardonic. Yeaaah.

Stars: Gorgeous sounds, meeting cool people, yes.

That night at Stubb's, the Black Keys tore it up. I waited by the buses with some friends but won't do it again; the Black Keys looked uncomfortable back there. I think some girl tried to grind with me. Then last night, Cut Copy/Presets... amazing. Too much dancing for me; I had to leave my spot for air before the encore. Lots of gay guys who danced great and were hilarious to talk to. One guy made this glamor-face after every sentence, it was cool.

Work has been mind-numbing but good, which is sort of class too. More details to come - this time I mean it - but I need sleep.

Today I woke up at a reasonable hour again, which was nice. I got to journalism on time. But it was almost impossible to stay awake. I hallucinated that Jensen was Ginsberg.

Umm...

Fuck, I have too much to do and I do need sleep, to be continued tomorrow.

I woke up very early today, around 5:30, and the time between 5:30 and 6:45 was about five minutes. I got myself together and went in for work. The guy who runs the front desk isn't named Herbie, and our boss isn't named Danielle. (Herbie is in his late twenties or early thirties, Danielle is in her mid forties) I can tell that Herbie despises Danielle and intentionally creates friction sometimes. The drama is just funny to me. I got a lot of good work done with labels and phone calls.

I stopped by home work a quick shower and lunch before media studies, which was good because we had a different lecturer. He brought up the Dark Knight, and after the lecture when I told him my interpretation of the film's political meaning, he said it was a very good reading of the film and it made me feel quite intelligent. He also liked my Gogol Bordello shirt.

German was nice. It was weird because I keep seeing the prof at the office and it's not a setting I'm used to. But he seems to appreciate my input. I kicked the test's ass, just like I thought.

After that, I neurotically practiced my Journalism speech, wearing my throat down, repeating Oberst's words for comfort: "it's the ones with the sorest throats who've done the most singing." I got into class and gave it a mediocre reading and got self-conscious about my shaking hands. I'm used to debates and optional eye contact; I haven't memorized anything since I was sixteen. But people seemed to accept it.

I had time enough to scarf down some vegan samosas, while checking thoroughly to make sure they were vegan, and then it was University Filmmaker's Alliance. They screened all of our 24 hours and now I get the point - half of the kids dropped out, couldn't commit, gave up, and that's what the point was, to see who could really pull through, and suddenly I am very excited to be in UFA.

Most of the films were very funny. Our McConaughey film got an incredible amount of laughs, it was so vindicating. I met this post-oriented editor, who got a fucking phenomenal effect into his group's project, and I have decided he's the first person I specifically want on the paranoia film team. He's fucking SKILLED.

The McConaughey crew, plus some other guys, all went to scout out locations in Burdine for our next project. We had fun and found some candidates and also possible gas leaks. On the way back, I told the guy beside me the prom story. I think maybe I'm no different than I was in 4th grade - no conventions but still a storyteller.

Ernest and I debated various things (not argued, debated) and listened to an underground rap CD I bought that was way rad. Homework in between and here I am.

So here's to the Rumble Strips! And to particle physics.

I always leave out little details when I write so late. For instance, this line from a track off Fevers and Mirrors kept looping in my head before I got on the bus to the concert, and the mingled excitement and hope and nervousness took firm root in my gut and I felt like something meaningful was happening.

Nullsleep had some sort of videographer and his show kicked ass. At first I was hesitant to join the crazy dancers but then it just felt right. Bit Shifter opened with Particle Charge, my favorite 8bit song. He had a very commanding presence. During both shows, a cartridge crashed, but they played it off well. Both of them were really friendly after the show; they made light conversation and signed my schedule for the show.

On the way out, the guy from the opening band made me buy his CD; when I hesitated he seemed really annoyed, which seemed arrogant to me.

6th street on the way to the bus was a little wild. I expected empty, nervous desolation, but instead it was bustling with drunk assholes. I would have preferred the nervousness, I think. Somebody sold me his indie rap CD. At the bus stop, two guys from out of town pretended to be crazy to freak me out; I flinch easily, which amused them. They were nice guys though, from Houston. They were black, and when they tried to joke around with two white guys, the two white guys gave them this look... it's not like the Houston guys were homeless or crazy, but just this racial tension became evident, it was very odd to me.

Then a guy passed by was yelling at his girlfriend, and one of the two guys started saying, "don't talk to her like that." The girl said thank you and the boyfriend was ignoring it. But then the guy joked, "hey girl, go with me instead" and the boyfriend flew off the handle and there was a quick fight before people intervened, and after that I lost track of the two guys.

I waited for the bus but when it came, it was the wrong one. A concerned looking guy asked where the bus went, but I couldn't tell him much. I find myself wishing I'd done more to help that man... he just looked so worried.

I saw Leslie. He's an Austin fixture - very old, still dresses next to nude, runs for political office without a chance of winning. He ranted about how shitty the buses were (I later saw him on one) before telling me where the bus would come.

Waiting for the 481 took an eternity. My back really hurt. There was a fight across the street that was stupid, and everybody made fun of it, even took flash photography. A transvestite walked by and a bunch of guys made fun of her, which sickened me. A blind man paced, and we made eye contact accidentally - I mean, it was so odd, eye contact that I knew was happenstance. The two guys from before stopped by and I let them know I respected their courage and they appreciated that.

The bus finally came, I finally got home.

I woke up at 10:30 or so. I got ready and got a little work done but mostly just passed the time cleaning while I waited for Donna to arrive. She finally came around five, with Adam in tow. To my relief, there were no feelings but friendship. We walked down to Chipotle and visited Margaret. I got something that Margaret confirmed, without a doubt, to be vegan. The lady serving me told the counter guy I just got black beans, when I really also got guacamole. I must tell Margaret... anyway, then we split up - they went to Jamba Juice and I went to get bubble tea from Veggie Heaven. The three of us returned to my dorm and spent hours working on this god damned math assignment of hers.

She left for a show and Ernest returned, annoyed that he'd missed her. We talked about life. Basically, we need to fuck around less and train for our goals more.

I hope we really do it this time.

So here's to hope! And to the two guys from Houston.

I knew it was going to be full but Jesus.

I woke up maybe around nine. I got a few various things done before heading off around 11:15, in order to meet Margaret for Burn After Reading at the drafthouse. It was fucking fantastic! Brad Pitt was scary good. Margaret and I had a fun time. On the way there we talked to a man on the bus; he seemed maybe 45ish, and a little goofy, but when I told him I felt good he said "feeling good is good enough for me" and the lyrical lilt, it was just striking. He told Margaret and I that being a man meant stepping up to the plate.

After that I made a quick stop by CVS and the manager was very rude to me when I couldn't find earplugs.

I had 45 or so minutes back at the dorm before I needed to go to Waterloo and Whole Foods. On the way there I listened to Parklife by Blur. It's pretty rad. I fell 40% asleep on the bus. I'm getting close right now, actually.

On my way out of Whole Foods, a policeman stopped me and asked me to show my receipt. I didn't have it so he told me to go inside with him. He seemed very polite and almost afraid of me. He told me not to run, and I was fine with that. He saw my receipt and an employee said it was me so the cop apologized and let me go.

I'm not angry or anything though. I was a teenager walking out with food in a canvas bag and no receipt? He was legitimate to question my legality and was polite rather than aggressive. Not a bad experience with law, all things considered.

Waiting for the Exposition took a very long time, and I accidentally misled two folks into waiting for it when they didn't need it. They didn't talk to me on their way out of the bus, so I guess they were mad? But I was listening to Rumple Strips and their CD is true quality!

I had a few hours to realize that hummus is a godsend, and then I took the bus down to 9th and walked to Club Deville. For a while, the digital showcase was just hanging out: DJ Fuckin' A played some stuff while I wandered about, talking to one guy and even playing Everyday Shooter in front of ten or so folks. They all cheered and rooted, it felt great. Oh, and there was a Paul Robertson screen!

Then it was About This Product, and they were pretty good but ran way long. So I was relieved to dance like a fool to Nullsleep and headbang to Bit Shifter. Jesus were the shows good.

I met both of the aforementioned musician and got a signed schedule of the showcased events.

I need sleep. I will finish tomorrow.

So here's to _____? And _______?

I woke up at around six thirty. Work today was great. I photocopied 190 pages or so, and I got to walk down to the Trinity Garage. Along the way, a girl thought I was trying to sell her something when I asked for directions.

I bought a chick-o-stick at Jester City Market and the blonde, older lady casually remarked that she'd bought them to include vegan-friendly candy. It made me smile.

On a whim, I texted Samantha, the girl from last weekend at the tower. She invited me to go shopping with her roommate. The three of us took the bus to Goodwill and Half Price Books. Goodwill was great - we all tried on clothes and laughed. And then Half Price was fun, although despite a superior music selection all the books were recent prints... what a bummer.

We took the bus back to the drag. I talked to a homeless man a bit. Then we went to Chipotle, and I got to introduce everybody to Margaret and vise verca. Then I went to their apartment and we all hung out. Samantha turned out the lights and made me sit down and look at the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. When I left, Samantha walked me out. She was going to say something but realized she forgot her ID and couldn't cross the threshold.

I haven't felt this giddy about just being near somebody since Donna.

So here's to Samantha!

I've been busier this week than I've been in a long time. Far too much has happened for a detailed hour-by-hour, so I will just cover the major events.

Nathan, Chad, Jay and I all worked on the first 24-hour film competition for UFA, along with a charismatic actor who joined at the last minute - I'll call him Matt, because in our video he played Matthew MacConaughey. We got assigned a mockumentary and riffed up a concept in which Matthew MacConaughey becomes the governor of Alaska to replace Palin.

Jay... is terrible to work with, I'll be honest. It might just be my own feelings of competition or something, but he is intrusive, self-important, and tends to just cut off the flow of good work by suggesting breaks and whatnot. But we got all the filming done by around four in the morning; then I got back to my dorm and overslept and missed Journalism in Democracy, which scared the shit out of me. I found out I was late when I woke up to Ernest saying, "when's your class, Edward?"

Jay made plans to pick my up and take me to the apartment to help with editing, but he changed his plans without telling me. So I didn't have any input. But the finished product is good.

I just realized this 24-hour film thing really isn't for me. I'll do it if it's what we need in order to network, but I'm not out to prove I can complete projects, or to "have fun." I don't like film because of the industry or the vibe or whatever. I like film because it's the most potent method I've found of exploring the things that interest me. I need these connections to pull of longer projects, but jesus, I'm just piddling around with comedies and amateur nonsense.

Anyway, first day of work was good. I mostly just restock paper, relieve the desk duty, work with mail and flyers, and check the accuracy of spreadsheets. Not fun, but not hard, and good pay.

My sleep has been terrible. I've been hallucinating through classes. However, I'm still kicking ass on my assignments... I find that mildly disappointing. But we're just getting started, anyway.

Ernest thinks he will go to art school elsewhere next school year.

A gorgeous old friend is going to break the rules and sleep over in my room while Ernest is gone, a few weeks from now - I don't know what to think.

I've met so many people. I've been to so many things. So much happens all the time, it's dizzying. I want to catch my breath a little this weekend.

But I do love that it's autumn.

So here's to Dhaba Joy's vegan desserts! And the 2.2 mile walk I take up the drag to get there.

One of my favorite people in the world, the lovely Sunshine, has got the blues, so I am going to write this entry in a funnier style in order to cheer her up a little. Even though my laptop battery is on fire. Sure, I'm letting my hands catch fire to prevent her from crying, but I would rather have roasted hands than soggy Sunshine.

Anyway.

I woke up late, and I got some very basic things done - a bit of homework, a bit of laundry, etc. Some dastardly bastard moved my clothes out of the dryer - twice. In a row. The guy sitting at the table got my patented evil-eye until I realized that it was actually this other guy moving my clothes, so I apologized profusely.

Ahh burning hands, fingertips irrelevant, only need nubs, stop wasting time.

Margaret and Judy came by with Ernest, and we all hung out a bit. Then I left to shower and then they left to hang out. I spent an obscene amount of time looking up chiptunes - found Coldplay, Radiohead, Verve, M.I.A., and Muse covers in chip form. Righteous. I've decided to make a megamix of sorts and distribute chip to the world.

Then Jay called to tell me about the gathering of our film group. They have this righteous idea for a halloween short about turkeys eating a person, instead of the other way around. I love it. One of the two guys isn't named Chad; he's got a very dry, facetious sense of humor, so of course I adore him. The other guy, who isn't Nathan, is more action-movie-oriented, but in a smart sort of way.

We all watched each other's films. Chad's was hilarious and great, and Nathan's was very cool in a surreal sort of way. They all thought mine was really good; I showed them just the trailer and Chad wants to see the whole thing. Jay's wouldn't open.

I get the vibe that Jay is competing with me. He just seems to want me out of the picture. Maybe I am paranoid but he called me about the meeting 10 minutes prior and then made sure to tell me it was okay if I couldn't come, and once there he seemed to be clashing with my ideas. But that is the process.

When I finally figured out what Chad and Nathan envisioned, I was incredibly glad.

Typing with knuckle-stubs, can't hold out, goodbye film career.

Back at the dorm, Ernest and I filmed a facetious short to counteract a mutual friend. The response was very positive. Then I talked to Janet - yes, Janet. And it was a videochat. And we flirted. And I flirted rather clumsily. And it was an embarrassing experience and I hope she doesn't gossip about it. But god damn it, it's Janet, of course she will. Fuck it, I was just flirting, why is my natural response an incredible sense of guilt?

This is incredibly unfunny. So, I am going to close with something a bit unprecedented. I am going to close with the video short of Ernest and I. Ernest is in the glasses. We are "naked' while drinking Naked juice. We are smoking hot. I will take this down soon to protect my anonymity, but I am proud of this.

Note: I drank blueberry. Blueberry IS vegan. Fret not.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L2WSS_8B3ZA

So here's to Sunshine! And to Sunshine. Oh, and to Sunshine, too.

Oh my god, so much to say!

I woke up at a reasonable hour on friday. I got myself ready for the interview, but slowly and in parts. When the time came to go to the (thankfully close) building, I tried on the shirt I had washed and dried and realized that the pocket on the front made me look like I was eight or something. So I tried on a dress shirt but it was wrinkled and transparent - slutty and trashy all at once, which I think would have been a bad impression to give. So I just put on a shirt that seemed unoffensive and reasonable, the long-sleeved shirt with the pictures of all my heroes on it. I figured the long sleeves would seem classy.

The interview itself was great. The phone-guy who'd called me was really cool, with wild hair and odd knee-high socks that were perfectly surreal. He regarded my shirt curiously, the heroes and whatnot. The interviewer, hopefully my future boss, was really nice. I answered the questions very well I think, although I realize now that I need to brush up on my Excel and Word. I mentioned running tab at those old debate tournaments and she respected that. She gave me advice on what to do when I was working there. I really think it's a sure thing.

I thought NYU was a sure thing. Getting rejected by NYU was the best thing to happen to me because it got me here and I am happy.

...I still hope I get the job.

The interviewer told me to call back at four, but at four the references hadn't all answered their phones so she told me to call on Monday at 9 AM. The job would be so perfect... Germanic Studies, and it's close to Jester, and the hours are perfect for my schedule, just monday wednesday friday mornings.

Judy came and she and Ernest were very couple-y, so I went and bought napkins for myself to give them some time along. It's their 8-month, so I didn't complain too much. I hung out with them for a few hours before heading off to Veggie Heaven, where I would eat before catching the bus to Stubb's. Oh god, I love Veggie Heaven so much. There were lots of high-school-age kids, and also a homeless old woman who got free food and I was embarrassed that she made me uncomfortable.

I went to catch the bus whilst talking to Joseph, that guy I met at CommUnity the day before classes. He brought some friends along who were visiting from A&M and seemed to really like the campus. We caught the bus and then, a few stops later, the elderly homeless woman from Veggie Heaven got on the bus and I didn't realize she wanted to take my seat. By the time I was about to get up, somebody had given her a seat. She muttered angrily at me and said, "don't you see my arm?" But her arm was fine. Anyway I apologized sincerely and she forgave me but I think she forgot because as she almost got off the bus she glared at me. She had a plastic bag that was dripping. And there was a man with goo on his eye, it was very frightening to me.

But the four of us got off the bus and made it to Stubb's, and we were very early so we got fantastic spots near the front. Everybody was subdued so I became extroverted and told the Prom story, the Lake of Fire story, just lots of my favorite stories. They were all amused and I felt important to them.

Fuck Buttons opened and blew me away. Mogwai followed and launched me into space. It was all incredibly loud. The girl behind me got cigarette ashes on my shirt and apologized. Then during the next few songs while we moved to the music we kept bumping elbows and hands and I thought it was a moment but she left without saying a word. Later in the show I realized that the only girl of my supposed list of three who I actually loved was Natalie and it made me melancholy but the music buoyed my mood.

I went to buy a Fuck Buttons shirt, and I talked to the band members a bit. I asked Andrew Hung if it was really a gameboy on stage, and when he said yes I sort of swooned and made him laugh. He signed the shirt and I almost forgot to pay but I went back to pay for the shirt. I also got Ben's signature and he seemed to be on some sort of drug; he held onto my hand for a long time while shaking it, took a long time to sign my name, and seemed supremely serene.

I got back to the group and we went out to catch the bus, laughing and talking and shouting past the buzzing in our ears. The campus bus was crowded leaving campus but on our ride to campus, it was sparsely occupied. On the way to Kerbey Lane I pulled on my signed shirt. At Kerbey lane I didn't eat anything but I drank a lot of water and the waiter facetiously remarked "you drink it like it's free." This is also the second time a glass has dropped and shattered in front of me in that establishment. Everybody was kinda silent, but not the comfortable kind, so I got everybody to improvise stories. It was very fun.

I bid them all adieu and got back to my dorm room. Ernest and Judy weren't there; when I called he reminded me that he was at Margaret's for the night. Suddenly the room felt a little empty, and the ringing in my ears kind of freaked me out. After a quick update on this blog I fell asleep, almost forgetting to lock the door.

When I woke up the ringing was still there but I was told this wasn't too unusual. Nevertheless I'm going to wear earplugs from now on, it just makes sense. But the headache I was grumbling about went away, so I felt like sleeping was still a good idea. I woke up and moved some things around, got some things done. I planned to stop by the Blanton but Ernest, Judy, and Margaret rolled back into the dorm full of plans. Margaret has blue hair now, and it looks fucking fantastic.

We all hung out and talked (I gave Margaret the Cobain poster and she really loved it) before I finally took a shower and, shortly thereafter, we all left to drive to Whole Foods. I put the Fuck Buttons shirt back on. I love it.

Since Ernest and Judy united as a couple and walked ahead of us, Margaret and I talked all the way to Ernest's car. We talked about life and I told her about how much I like Bright Eyes lately (Oberst is her favorite musician) and I felt really in sync with her. Ernest's car had been illegitimately ticketed for 25 dollars. It's kind of a long story, but he was supposed to be allowed to park in the spot and they said he wasn't.

Whole Foods was great because Margaret led me to so many meals and vegan snacks I had never discovered before. I got this delicious lemon poppyseed vegan cookie Margaret recommended, and on the way back through the parking garage I told Margaret, "I finally know what an orgasm is," and she mentioned how that meant she had given me my first orgasm.

We stopped back at the dorm to drop our foods off and then we drove off to Veggie Heaven. I experimented with the tofu mushroom and it was great but I still prefer the Protein 2000, king of all meals. Although spring rolls are vegan and cheap and may be even more practical than Jester food: YES. Also, Margaret was very surprised by the bubbles in the bubble tea.

We bid farewell to Margaret and, in front of a big crowd of people, I shouted, "thanks for the orgasm, Margaret!" She laughed.

Back at the dorm again, Ernest and Judy were going to watch T.V. that would be full of spoilers for me, so I decided to go out to the lawn in front of the tower, just to read. I kept daydreaming which made it a less-than-productive experiment. I hit the ground or something with my hand, and I felt the urge to wash it. I tried all the halls adjacent to the lawn but they were all locked. So I went into the main building, on which the interesting words are printed: "Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." I love the challenge those words pose: find the truth or suffer captivity.

I had trouble finding the men's room, it was a floor down from that front entrance. By the stairs was a door with a window through which I saw two people approaching. I kept walking up the stairs for a moment until I heard one of them speak. He sounded distraught, so I listened and heard him say, "come on, we even made eye contact, that's so not cool." I realized the door was locked and they wanted me to let them in, so I rushed back downstairs. They were walking away so I popped the door open and said, "hey, sorry, I didn't know this was locked." They laughed and appreciated that I came back to help them.

The guy was older by five years or so, and the girl seemed older but I later learned that she's my age. They asked me if I'd ever been to the top of the tower and I said no, I hadn't. And they said that's where they were going and they invited me along and I gladly joined them. We went to the fourth floor first once we'd found an elevator, because that's as high as the elevator went. We found a window we could open and got onto the roof, but there was no way to get to the other side without dropping twenty feet down to a ladder or jumping across buildings. The girl had a good camera and took pictures of things.

We tried every floor but they were all impenetrable. The second floor was really cool though; it was dark and sort of like a slasher film. We went back to the fourth floor to make sure it was a dead end through the window; I even dropped down a bit to get a better view of things, but there was just no way across.

Back through the window we noticed a secretary-type chair. The guy sat in it and pretended to be a receptionist. I walked up to him and said, "hello, I'd like to get to the top of that tower." He looked annoyed and said, "I'll need to talk to my supervisor." I angrily remarked, "well I think I'll just talk to your supervisor for myself." He said, "well good luck, he's in five meetings in a row." Then we both laughed. We messed about with the phone a little, and as an act of rebellion, I switched the radio from FM to AM.

Back outside, the girl said she was thirsty so we debated various places to go for liquid, and we decided on Jester, to which I introduced the guy. I opened the door with my hands because I felt like I could. We went to Jester City Market and they were playing Say It Ain't So, so I told the guy the fictional-alcoholic-father Cuomo story.

We went outside to hang out. The two of them smoked and we all discussed various topics. I got their names at last. The girl isn't named Samantha, and the guy IS named Duncan. I will explain calling him by his right name in a moment. At one point another guy stopped by and he was a little pompous but relatively cool. He left pretty quick when offered Hookah by a guy passing by.

We talked about everything. I told them about my short movie idea and they were legitimately interested I think, I mean, I think they really listened. And we joked and talked about all sorts of things. Duncan is in a band and Samantha is a Studio Art major. Near the end of the conversation, I told them about the gardening story (about everybody having a bottom line value, and doing what you are passionate about even if there's no logic) and when it was done, they way they were looking at me, it's like they were interested and really cared, and it made me feel really relevant. Then Duncan had to go meet a friend and it was further than I wanted to go for the night, and Samantha needed to leave too. We exchanged some contact information before parting.

Judy and Ernest were back at the dorm and I told them about my amazing evening and had vegan parfait and even though the parfait ripped me off of half a strawberry, I didn't mind at all. I decided it would be a good night to listen to Abbey Road while reading articles and looking at photos, and the experience was as great as it always is.

I checked out Duncan's band, the Pillow Queens. I am calling him by his proper name because I want people to find out about this band and give them the respect they deserve; they are goddamn fantastic. Look them up.

Geez, did this take a long to write.

Sometimes I'm afraid, when I meet somebody and I think they like me, that I will be different next time they meet me. But of course I will be different. So I shouldn't worry because hopefully the part they liked was the part of me that is fundamental.

Which part of me is fundamental?

Anyway, here's to amazing weekends! And to orgasms.